Thoughts? Guilt?
by ErodunKealSPN
Summary: What is going on inside Dean's head when he is alone? Now added Sam Winchester chapter.
1. Dean Winchester

Guilt was his weakness, he knew that, and so did everyone else. His brother had been used against him several times. He had always regretted bringing Sam back into this life. The worst part of it? He had done so many things to his younger brother. He just had to face the possibility that Sam was right, he just didn't want to be left alone, maybe he did more bad than he did good. No matter how hard he tried, his world always crashed around him, the people he loved always got hurt.

Yes, he had suffered for those mistakes, but it wasn't enough. 40 years in Hell, a year in Purgatory and he was still here, still screwing up Sammy's life. It was times like this that Dean hated the most. He was currently sat in his room inside the bunker, he was alone and that's what made it worse, he had time to think. To reflect over everything, his pain, suffering and most of all...his guilt. He felt so much of it. If something happens, he feels responsible for the people that got hurt and for what went wrong.

**_If it wasn't for you Sammy wouldn't even be here._**

There has always been a war raging inside him, a battle of survival and emotions.

**_In fact, you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for Dad, that was a mistake that he paid for. He suffered for you, that's your fault. He made a deal, he sacrificed his soul and life for yours._**

The guilt, the depression and loneliness, it was all pushed away by his constant want for alcohol. Sex was pointless to him now but it drowned them out, only for a while but that's all he needed in order to keep going.

The life of a hunter is all he really knew. The pain was just a part of that life style. The benefits of caring for another are few, especially in the 'Winchester's' world. To feel the lose of friends and family, to then feel the anger and the surge of revenge pulse through your veins. It was stupid to care for someone too deeply, to even love them was a mistake it only hurt more when they left. Everyone leaves at some point, it's just a matter of when and how they would go.

It used to be easy. Hey, it used to be fun. He woke every morning knowing he saved more people than he killed, he knew he was eliminating a tiny fraction of evil from the worlds roots every day by just doing his job, what he was raised to do. It was all forced on him, hunting, survival...From the moment of her death he was condemned by his father to follow in his footsteps. he didn't have a choice but it was worth it wasn't it? To save others?

The guilt used to build on him, crushing him under it's weight. Not physically, but emotionally it hurt him, tore at his sanity. His innocence had been snatched from him when he learned of the true evil, of the creatures that lurked in the dark and even out on the public streets. He was raised to fight and defend, the responsibility of raising his little brother had forced him to be mature, skipping past most of his childhood.

Things have changed. He was liability to himself. He had become less rational, his senses were sharper and he was more cunning and deceitful in their hunts. The Demon's plans for Sam years ago had been nothing but a small bump in the road compared to what they faced today.

The thought of Sam, his brother, was all that got him up in the morning, it's all that kept him fighting for his life each day. That and the pleasure of knowing he would soon find Abaddon, pierce her skin with the First Blade.

Then he was going to find Gadreel, avenge Kevin's death. Still the guilt was placed on him for Kevin and the many others that had perished when becoming close to him. He knew he was poison, a danger to those around him but still, if he was alive there was bound to be casualties.

He may be condemned to a life full of pain, lose an confusion but he could keep fighting or cower in the enemies footsteps. He chose option One. No matter how much it hurt him, he wasn't raised to back down from a fight and he never would.


	2. Sam Winchester

Tears. They waste away at your body's water supply. They fall separately, gently streaming down the cheek.  
Most of all?  
They were a release.

It was seen in his mind as a weakness to let the tears fall when he was around Dean. His big brother always appeared tough, kept his walls up when around others, especially Sam. He was strong. Maybe not spirited, but physically, he was whole. Or that's what he wanted people to believe, almost everyone fell for it, gazing at his older brother with admiration and trust. Although Sam saw through it, Dean would not let himself loose control emotionally.  
Inside, his brother was broken and torn. More so than he was himself.

Dean had been broken in the worst ways imaginable. Sam? He was different. Although both their suffering never ended, and he doubted it ever will. Dean was ridden with guilt, shame and regret, Sam was constantly reminded of what he has lost.

It had all started with Jess. Her death still haunted him, it was the subject of his daily nightmares. He had watched her burn alive, desperate to save her from the fate that took his mother in the same way.  
He had soon realized that if the life of hunting was what you were brought up into, you could never truly escape. One way or another you would get pulled back in. Dean had been the one to pull him back, he was determined not to let it become his life but his girlfriends death forced him onto the very path he had tried to avoid since his early teenage years.

Motels, training and strict discipline were the only things Sam had known as a child. They were constantly on the move, changing towns and schools to suit John's hunting job. Dean had been obedient, following their father's orders to the last detail. It made Sam angry that he was expected to do the same. Dad had raised Dean to become more of a military soldier than a loving son. He had left his older brother to raise Sam as he would leave for days at a time to hunt the supernatural. The life under his brothers eye had been more or less fun but he refused to bow to Dads commands. He wasn't someone to be ordered around, someone to be shouted at every time he questioned a direct order.

Eventually he had applied to Stanford University. When the acceptance letter fell through the letter box and the huge fight broke out, it was painful to leave Dean but a release all the same to escape their fathers control. From that moment Sam had more differences with Dean than similarities. True they had both grown up in the hunting life and had a strong brotherly bond between them that would hopefully never change, but Sam had gotten a taste for something other than survival and training.

He cared for his family, wouldn't let anything hurt them, but he also felt too easily attached for the people around him. It was just another burden added to the pile. When you were a hunter you were expected to avoid emotional bonds to someone, but sometimes he needed to let himself care. Unlike his brother he hadn't closed himself to those emotions. He hadn't shut them away. He had done the very opposite, welcoming the love and care he felt for others and smiling when he felt them return the same. Those feelings made him human. They reminded Sam that others depended on him, that it was his job to save them.

He had gone through so much after her death. come so close to taking it, the final step that would end it all. So what if he died? At least he would know that the Gates of Hell were closed and no body else could get hurt because of him. Jess had washed away all his regrets and worries, instead filling him with hope and a promise for a normal life.

You read about those kinds of things in books and in films don't you? But it never prepares you for when that rug is pulled from beneath you. When something you love gets lost and the emotional pain tears at you making you feel physically helpless and broken. The scariest part about that pain is it makes you vulnerable. It's like a piece of you falls away, as if the dam breaks and a tidal wave comes crashing inside, drowning you.

Everyone says you'll get over it, they say its okay and that it would all heal with time.

Imagine losing someone. Then just as you felt your feet hit the ground, as you felt you could control it, it happens again. Another person you love is ripped away from you. It happens over and over until you become nothing more than an empty shell of your former self.

Sam felt empty at times, as if the only person he had left was an angel and his brother. He was grateful he still had them but one day it was all going to end, he would lose their warm embraces and cherished love, leaving him a pile of self loathing and left to suffer on the cold ground that was reality. He was afraid that if one of them left him completely he could no longer hold onto who he was. What he was. Human.

He wasn't happy of what he has had to do throughout his past. He was a murderer, he knew that now but it was still hard to accept. This life had changed him beyond words, he was barely human. Tainted with the blood of a demon and a past of betrayal and regret.

A grade A college student with a full ride to Stanford university, a law school interview and a family secret. When he thought back on what he wanted in life he saw images of Jessica, a wedding ring on her finger and maybe even a child, leaving his past buried deep in the dark corners of his mind.

All hopes of that life had been snatched from his reach, he knew now that he could never go back to that. He wasn't destined for that life, his fate lead to nothing but suffering. The worst part about what this life had done to him was how much it had torn him apart inside.

His faith in himself was beginning to fade and in some ways, it was already gone.


End file.
